First off, I would like to say that this post is going to be a long post, so the Polish version of it I will put in a separate post.

Chcialabym powiedziec ze ten post bedzie strasznie dlugi, wiec wersje po Polsku napisze w innym poscie.

New Year resolution.
Well, we all promise ourselves we will eat healthier, go to the gym or spend less money on shopping. (Although I don't think I, personally would stay true to this shopping thing.)
I have few I wanted to share with you guys. And this post is going to be like a Diary Entry, and you will get to know me from a totally different side. To some, what I will write here will sound 'harsh' but I believe this is the only way I can get thought to some people in my life. And some of my friends might get 'offended' but this is a wake up call to some. I want to start the year with happiness, not sitting home alone sad because my friends ditched me, like they did on the new years eve, but I guess you can always count on your family, and as one of my friends said 'F*** Friends'. This is the dumbest, but also the best thing I have heard anyone say. Dumbest thing because, I mean cmon, you need friends. Without them you feel like nothing really, or alone. You usually need friends because from my experience, you cant say everything to your family. I mean I talk about boys with my mom and other things, but you know, its not the same.
Best thing? Over the last few years I have found out that people are sneaky and fake. Especially when you are like me. Come to a totally different country, not knowing the language. But the plus was that there was a lot of Polish people here, so you had someone to talk to. But I didn't. I found myself in a place where only me and my family were Polish, with probably and exception of few people I didn't know about. My school, well it was me and my sister. But after a year she left to a different school, and I was alone.
Until a family moved to a house on the next estate, and I found out that we were going to move just beside their house! (We moved quite a lot, once every year on a February) And the family was Polish, that was when I have found a best friend.
Obviously I had a best friend before, a girl, no names, was my best friend. I still have pic of us close by. But I moved here and I left her. Thankfully, she found some new friends. But they took her to the 'bad' path and she changed from good, to really bad. I kind of blame myself, that if I wouldn't move here, she'd be different, she wouldn't have changed. But she did, nothing I can do about it now. We don't talk to eachother for 6 years now.
Anyway, we were best friends for quite a while, we liked the same bands and all. But then, I again had to move,this time not to a different estate, but to a different town. She found some new friends then and I again was alone. But in the new school was another Polish girl, I believe I can say her name here, shes one of my best friends. Paula. She then was a total biach. We hated eachother and did everything to get eachother in trouble. But we hated eachother, then we became best friends, then again hated and now we are friends.
But one day a shy girl came along to a class lower than mine. I remember she was a girl with two ponytails and walked alone during lunchtime on grass looking at her feet. I don't know how, but we became best friends ever! Everything was great until I had to go to secondary school. She instantly was best friends with a girl I hate to this day. Its not that I am jealous or anything, I just hated her the second she spoke to me.
But I met two Polish girls. I didn't want to be friends at first, but my sister was so I got to know them better. But they fought and didn't want to be friends anymore. Blah blah blah... The other friend came to my school the next year, but we weren't as close as we were. We never will. Ever. Paula was in my year, and the two Polish girls I have made friends with. My sister went to college. I had an Irish friend. Everything was ok. 2 years ago, summer me and the 2 girl I met at school went into a huge huge fight. There were tears and stuff. We didn't speak to eachother, and pretended we didn't see eachother, treated eachother as air.
Paula and the two Polish girls (older than me, 3 years difference) were the only I had left. Oh, and the Irish girl too. But Paula left, she found new friends. The two Polish girls isolated themselves from me. So the Irish girl was all I had. But after summer she left to be friends with Paula. And I was alone. Again.
But I started to talk to the Polish girls again. But later the 3 girl apologised to me. Blah, blah, blah....

Paula's gone, we still talk but once few days/weeks. The two Polish girls? Well, I'm friends with one of them.
We were close, I mean we still probably are, but I don't know what to think. And the Irish girl is still with Paula, when she left I wasn't sad or anything, ok maybe I was. A little. And The other girl, I met in primary school, the one younger than me, well I don't know.

I hate the feeling when I believe I give my all to friends, and they don't care. They appear only when they need something. Like 'Come with me to town, I want to see my boyfriend. It will take like 30 minutes' Ok, I went, I mean friends are supposed to do that right? So, they went off, I went to the park, I sat on the bench. I waited.. Hour. Two hours. Three. She didn't pick up when I called her, I mean i don't care, an hour? Ok.
But three? I sat there like an idiot! For 3 goddamn hours. My sister called me then, and said that she can tell dad and he can come and pick me up and take me home. But I still believed she will come. She did, after 3 hours. Of course she apologised but, I was still mad. But I am a type of person that forgives fast. I hate it about myself. But once we went to town and she said it was a day we will spend just the two of us, but she didn't tell me that HE was coming. Ugh. Everything was great, but then we drifted apart. Now she comes when she needs something, I never told her how I feel but, why would she care? We always sit in one spot at lunchtimes, I left them for 3 days,to see if she noticed, she didnt. I don't want her to feel like I am attacking her now, but. Yea. Its like, we don't talk, I'm sad, 'what did I do wrong?' and the person is not caring, having good time with someone else. I hear people telling me, leave it. She is using you. I don't know what to think. I will always be there for her, but she doesn't care, she has others. I know more things about her and what is going on now than she thinks I do. Ah well.
I am the person that always gets replaced. I'm too nice, I heard that a lot. But, I cant help it.
Ah well, my resolution is leaving behind people that are just hurting me, and don't care.
If it means that I will stand alone, let it be. I lost hope in people. Sometimes I used to say, 'people are s***, they cant be trusted. The only person I can trust is myself only.' And the last part is probably the truest.

Another resolution is, I want to be a fashion designer. People don't believe in me, so this motivates me to show them that I can do it. I will put my heart to art, this blog. I don't care about now, I care about my future. I don't want to offend anyone here but, I think my ambition is too big to fulfil it here. In Ireland. I mean Ireland is great but fashion isn't that important here, and fashion is my life. My parents want me to go to college here. Ok, I have to, I have no choice. My family can't afford to pay for college, its too much money.
I dream of FIDM, Parsons School of Design, schools in Paris, New York, Los Angeles.
I don't see myself doing anything that doesn't involve fashion. I want to be always on the move, always busy. Its not even about the money, I don't care about it for now. Of course it does play a part too. I would love a nice, small apartment somewhere in New York. Id love a car. And I don't want to have children, I want to focus on my work. Love? I don't know, everyone dreams of someone that will love them. Right? Family, I want to have them with me all the time. Somewhere close by.
I dream of my own clothing line, something like Dior, Chanel, Dolce & Gabanna.  My own perfume line, my own cosmetics line, and I am willing to work really hard to achieve it. No matter how long it takes. My mom worries,that I wont make it in the fashion world. But I won't know unless I try right? She wants me to be a doctor, I joke about it sometimes, I'm anaemic, so my hands shake like crazy. I'd probably kill more than cure people. But jokes aside, I think its too much responsibility, a persons life is in your hands.
I always wanted to be SOMEONE, a person that will achieve things and leave something behind, here if that person is gone one day.

Wow, this thing is LONG! I better finish off. Well, what do you think about this chaos? Im sorry it might be a bit too hard to understand, but trying to explain without giving names is quite tough. Anyway, thank you for reading.